Wednesday, April 23, 2014

slowness

now today.

you came home
last night

I was in the shower, shaking,

having sat, talked, smoked & drank
with her.

I didn’t know what to say.
all I had prepared myself for
was something
other than that.

anger, frustration,
genuine confusion
a feeling that I could not
know what
to expect, but that I must deal with what
came-- that’s
kind of
annoying.

but you were with me,
and the time you spent
with her
did not wound me.
did not disgust me,
did not make me feel that
I might be without value (the value [I used to feel certain] that I hold)

we were together,
this morning,
too. and I liked
it.

slowness--
our current mutual frustration.
yet it may
in time prove
to be just the speed
I could do.

wrote

what will
become of me
this evening

will I lay
in bed, coaching myself
to sleep, calming
myself
through positive + clear thinking.
then awake, covered in sweat, from
a nightmare- one of several each night-
in which a man
laughingly threatens (promises)
to kill me with a
hammer.

+ reach out to you
but find you sleeping
soundly,
my sadness and despair
increasing,
my exhaustion intensifying
until I sob,
next to you,
frustrated,
alone,
and so sad.

that would be around 1am. it is 4:00pm

until 1am-

you will return in one hour.
you will stay with me
for a number of
minutes.

then drive to her home,
for several hours.
a date.

5:30- 6:20
I don’t know.

6:30-8:00pm
dinner with a friend.
I’ve been making
plans to
eat, to
be able to eat. I don’t want to
tell her how I feel.

8:30-9:30
talk to my first friend.
this should help.

9:30-10pm
wait for you anxiously,
breathing deeply
and reminding myself
of various rational
and true things.

you will return.
I don’t know how that will be.

wrote

my eyes feel
hollow
my body feels exhausted,
    harangued,
my hair is limp (though I need only wash it, I think.)

there are points of sharp + consistent pain
in my abdomen.

at night I feel
afraid,
sad,
lonely + alone
regardless of your bodily presence.

my mind cycles,
and boomerangs. I am too tired
to think
clearly, concisely, articulately.

I detect tiny pangs of real hope,
today,
though.

wrote

you will visit
this evening.

my feeling, I think, is
natural

I would prefer to be ‘above it’, beyond it, without out.

it is with a
sick fascination,
fanatic self-disregard, or
more likely a curious desire to understand where you’re going
that I imagine
the love, feeling, intimacy
that may pass between you.

I imagine a kiss & am uncomfortable;
more and I writhe
all and I feel I might vomit.

I think that its natural- though I don’t know why-
to experience this revulsion tinged
with panic
at the thought of someone
you may have thought of as ‘yours’
as ‘hers’

+ beyond the kiss,
the more,
the all,
lies still something more. a
look that passes between two who have found love, or something
like love with one another,
recently:
look that contains gratitude, relief, happiness, shyness, excitement for
things to come.

beyond the discomfort,
writhing,
gagging:
resigned despair.

I shrug my shoulders sadly, let
them fall,
and hope not to be obliterated
by your happiness.

Monday, April 21, 2014

written )

the truth is that its what
you want

+ its more valuable than
    comfort
    security
    temporary / immediate well being

I would prefer, for myself,

to live truthfully, even,
than happily (though I imagine I may do both.)

with you, I don’t know.
we discussed + felt this
together
last night
contemplating

something
akin to death

a mutual death we
each feel we would
work diligently
to avoid

I wonder if the union, creation (promise) I spoke of
is within my control
or is something that is given birth to
& then enters the world
in a way, on its own.

its own energy,
force
direction

do we consciously choose
preservation
or is it inevitable to
lose control
+ simply view    (favorable, disastrous, unsatisfying..)
results


I sense the control I exercise, the results I obtain from
work- hard, real work
painful work.
but I sense these primarily in myself, the one
space where I do exercise
freedom / control / individual (selfish) preference.

I come away from these thoughts
feeling that what I know
is that I will be with
myself
today & later.

written )

I wonder what I
will do to pass
    time
    feeling
    anguish
    discomfort

I’m unsure. You are
headed in a
direction, have a
direction.

I’m sitting, the same as last
month and months before,

    wondering, where is my peace?
    where is well being?

where will you take / lead me
- I know I don’t want to go-

you tug & I shift
I’d prefer my
own line, and
you yours

I don’t want to go where you
are going, where
your exploration leads, inextricably, unavoidably, us both.

I want to sit + stay,
and feel as I did.

written )

that electric feeling
you couldn’t shake-
    careful touch with
    surprising, easy, emphatic reward-

you will sit and wonder at it
   long after

   with another. I won’t be

   where is your excitement, I won’t be
   where your attention strays in the long afternoon at your office.

that wonder will not only (not anymore)
   be ours

   yours

    hers


            excluded.

written )

we are walking through
unknown territory, you are
searching - for searching’s sake, perhaps-
for something. your object
is not known; my shitty
suffering is real, immediate, identifiable, accessible.

you tell me that you suffer too.
I (often feel) don’t care
right now. and if I do, still
I see
your suffering tinged with
excitement
newness
exploratory rush.

I don’t have these tinges.
this balance is tenuous, and will
always be up for
re-negotiation, I guess.
what’s mine is only
mostly / partly mine

Saturday, April 12, 2014

on my mind



getting more into cooking. I like stir frys.

I bought a wok the other day- not this one- but this one looks cool, too.

good price.