Wednesday, April 23, 2014


now today.

you came home
last night

I was in the shower, shaking,

having sat, talked, smoked & drank
with her.

I didn’t know what to say.
all I had prepared myself for
was something
other than that.

anger, frustration,
genuine confusion
a feeling that I could not
know what
to expect, but that I must deal with what
came-- that’s
kind of

but you were with me,
and the time you spent
with her
did not wound me.
did not disgust me,
did not make me feel that
I might be without value (the value [I used to feel certain] that I hold)

we were together,
this morning,
too. and I liked

our current mutual frustration.
yet it may
in time prove
to be just the speed
I could do.


what will
become of me
this evening

will I lay
in bed, coaching myself
to sleep, calming
through positive + clear thinking.
then awake, covered in sweat, from
a nightmare- one of several each night-
in which a man
laughingly threatens (promises)
to kill me with a

+ reach out to you
but find you sleeping
my sadness and despair
my exhaustion intensifying
until I sob,
next to you,
and so sad.

that would be around 1am. it is 4:00pm

until 1am-

you will return in one hour.
you will stay with me
for a number of

then drive to her home,
for several hours.
a date.

5:30- 6:20
I don’t know.

dinner with a friend.
I’ve been making
plans to
eat, to
be able to eat. I don’t want to
tell her how I feel.

talk to my first friend.
this should help.

wait for you anxiously,
breathing deeply
and reminding myself
of various rational
and true things.

you will return.
I don’t know how that will be.


my eyes feel
my body feels exhausted,
my hair is limp (though I need only wash it, I think.)

there are points of sharp + consistent pain
in my abdomen.

at night I feel
lonely + alone
regardless of your bodily presence.

my mind cycles,
and boomerangs. I am too tired
to think
clearly, concisely, articulately.

I detect tiny pangs of real hope,


you will visit
this evening.

my feeling, I think, is

I would prefer to be ‘above it’, beyond it, without out.

it is with a
sick fascination,
fanatic self-disregard, or
more likely a curious desire to understand where you’re going
that I imagine
the love, feeling, intimacy
that may pass between you.

I imagine a kiss & am uncomfortable;
more and I writhe
all and I feel I might vomit.

I think that its natural- though I don’t know why-
to experience this revulsion tinged
with panic
at the thought of someone
you may have thought of as ‘yours’
as ‘hers’

+ beyond the kiss,
the more,
the all,
lies still something more. a
look that passes between two who have found love, or something
like love with one another,
look that contains gratitude, relief, happiness, shyness, excitement for
things to come.

beyond the discomfort,
resigned despair.

I shrug my shoulders sadly, let
them fall,
and hope not to be obliterated
by your happiness.

Monday, April 21, 2014

written )

the truth is that its what
you want

+ its more valuable than
    temporary / immediate well being

I would prefer, for myself,

to live truthfully, even,
than happily (though I imagine I may do both.)

with you, I don’t know.
we discussed + felt this
last night

akin to death

a mutual death we
each feel we would
work diligently
to avoid

I wonder if the union, creation (promise) I spoke of
is within my control
or is something that is given birth to
& then enters the world
in a way, on its own.

its own energy,

do we consciously choose
or is it inevitable to
lose control
+ simply view    (favorable, disastrous, unsatisfying..)

I sense the control I exercise, the results I obtain from
work- hard, real work
painful work.
but I sense these primarily in myself, the one
space where I do exercise
freedom / control / individual (selfish) preference.

I come away from these thoughts
feeling that what I know
is that I will be with
today & later.

written )

I wonder what I
will do to pass

I’m unsure. You are
headed in a
direction, have a

I’m sitting, the same as last
month and months before,

    wondering, where is my peace?
    where is well being?

where will you take / lead me
- I know I don’t want to go-

you tug & I shift
I’d prefer my
own line, and
you yours

I don’t want to go where you
are going, where
your exploration leads, inextricably, unavoidably, us both.

I want to sit + stay,
and feel as I did.

written )

that electric feeling
you couldn’t shake-
    careful touch with
    surprising, easy, emphatic reward-

you will sit and wonder at it
   long after

   with another. I won’t be

   where is your excitement, I won’t be
   where your attention strays in the long afternoon at your office.

that wonder will not only (not anymore)
   be ours




written )

we are walking through
unknown territory, you are
searching - for searching’s sake, perhaps-
for something. your object
is not known; my shitty
suffering is real, immediate, identifiable, accessible.

you tell me that you suffer too.
I (often feel) don’t care
right now. and if I do, still
I see
your suffering tinged with
exploratory rush.

I don’t have these tinges.
this balance is tenuous, and will
always be up for
re-negotiation, I guess.
what’s mine is only
mostly / partly mine

Saturday, April 12, 2014

on my mind

getting more into cooking. I like stir frys.

I bought a wok the other day- not this one- but this one looks cool, too.

good price.